It was also not arm day or ab day. Or cardio day. Or much of anything day. Except maybe Facebook day. Again.
I keep making promises to myself (to work out, eat better, do yoga, read a book, switch my clothes from the washer to the dryer) with this Tough Mudder approaching, and this cartoon perfectly sums up my daily (non) progress, especially over the past week.
I’ve gained four pounds, have a perpetu-tummyache, and don’t really recognize myself at the moment. When I compare pictures from today to pictures from a month ago, the shine is gone. My skin has lost its glow, my hair is unraveling, my eyes are flat. I’m tired, bored, and cynical. I, for the first time, GASP!, was seriously considering quitting the Mudder today. When one of my friends ribbed me about the uncoolness of letting down the team via selfie, I had to send her this.
But…what’s going on? Whatever it is seems to be striking many of my fellow female Mudder trainees in similar ways just now. Is it that we are burned out from training? Probably. Is it that we’re feeling some trepidation about our natural abilities or lack thereof? Yep. Nervousness about whether we’ve trained adequately? Oh, yeah. Desire to eat whatever we want, whenever we want it, dammit? Can I get an amen?
There’s also some backlash against the training methods that our Mudder guy friends are using for our teams – we’re a sassy bunch who don’t like to be told what to do, and we’re also busy single moms and professionals who don’t have time for what seems to be required. So we rail against The Man and then we laugh and remind each other to do the AA thing and use what works and leave the rest behind. We know these guys are here to help us, but training makes us cranky sometimes.
My own Epic Struggle, as so many epic struggles are, seems to be against myself…my black/white, yes/no, all/nothing, superstar/sloth mentality. I’ve written about being Awesome and what happens when I’m not adequately so. Namely: Whatever the precise opposite of Awesome is. I’m going with “emosewa,” or emo for short. See what I did there?
My life itself in some ways is an exercise in revolving doors. Look! The sun! Look, a dark room. Look! Fresh air! Look, depression. I blame a long distance relationship (Look! He’s here! Look, gone home again.), 50/50 custody (same thing), and a half-time work schedule (I really don’t want to look THAT gift horse in the choppers, but it contributes).
My struggle is in the smoothing out the edges, and leveling out the climbs and crashes. If I’m not Awesome, it doesn’t mean I have to be emo.
But damn, you know…I love the Awesome, and I don’t know that I’ll ever stop trying to fly.
Update: I did end up working out and I feel so much more alive – I was challenged to by my team, but the reward was to help another team. That was more motivating to me than anything else I could think of at the moment. Something to think about.
Stay warm, friends!