Is there an “acceptable level” of violence in our society?

I guess, duh, the answer would be yes.  Look at video games, right?

Let me ask it in a different way.

Is there an “acceptable level” of violence when face-to-face with another human being in non-combat situations, where the parties are not being paid (i.e., cage fighting)?  An “acceptable level” of violence perpetuated by a man on a woman?  An “acceptable level” of violence by those with much power on those with less power?  And wouldn’t it be nice if the answer to at least some of these questions was no?

Since my assault eight days ago (I have to fight the urge to put quotation marks around the word assault after it’s been diminished so roundly over these eight days), these are some things I’ve heard or read.

  • You have to expect violence in situations like this (being a polite dissenter at a presidential election town hall meeting).
  • You showed up with a sign.  What do you expect?
  • That’s nothing; one time I got punched in the nose by a security guard at a Creed concert (this from a female acquaintance).
  • It’s not like they pepper-sprayed you.
  • The protesters outside pissed off Newt’s aides and they took it out on you; it’s the protesters’ fault.
  • A shove?  Really?  You’re going to call that an “assault” and spend MY tax dollars on something so frivolous (this from someone who doesn’t even live in New Hampshire)

Plenty of people were supportive, but it’s hard to not mull over some of the responses above and wonder about them.

So…Let me see if I can get this straight.  A handy little flow-chart of violence.

It’s okay to shove a female protester if she is peacefully holding a sign, even if she is not verbally protesting or causing any other disturbance.  You don’t even have to talk to her.  Shove first, then tell her to get out.

And…It’s okay to pepper spray peaceful protesters as they sit on the sidewalk if they don’t do what you tell them to do.

And…It’s okay to shoot people from close range with rubber bullets if they’re getting boisterous.

It’s okay to shove, spray, taze, and shoot (as long as you’re using (hopefully) “non-lethal” ammo and as long as the target is a protester, and you’re in a position of power).  I’ve turned the tables a hundred times in my mind.  Check this out.  I go to a Newt rally.  I don’t like that one of his aides is wearing an ear piece because I think it’s creepy and powermongering.  I stride up to him, violently rip it off him and stride away.  He gives chase to get his ear piece back and demand answers.  At which point, I turn around and shake him, and shove him with force and then stalk away.  He decides to press charges against me.  Would the police in that case ask him three separate times if he’s sure he wants to press charges, and take eight (and counting) days to decide whether to pursue charges against me?

You know, I am thankful for many things.  That despite it being sore, especially at the end of the day, my back seems like it’s going to heal after it was twisted in the struggle.  That though the incident replays in my mind over and over, I have loved ones I can process it with.  That I didn’t get punched in the face, pepper-sprayed, tazed or shot at that day.  That I’m not in a vulnerable situation of poverty, and that I’m not automatically disadvantaged due to my race, because this shit happens all the time in those worlds and those people don’t have the unearned resources I enjoy just because I’m white and middle class.

But to walk away from this, as it seems some would have me do, legitimizes that there is indeed an “acceptable level” of violence by white men with power and money, perpetuated on women, the powerless, the disenfranchised.  “It was just a shove.”  No, it was scary and demeaning and impossible to understand, and just plain WRONG; and perhaps most importantly, it was the event that opened my eyes and strengthened my resolve to work every day to do my part to assure justice (economic and otherwise) for the rest of us, and to do whatever I can to make sure assholes are called on their unacceptable behavior.  Every time.

…In the meantime, I’m still waiting for the detective to return my calls…

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The time I got assaulted at a Newt rally

Me, just prior to being assaulted by Random Newt Staffer

It was to be one of the last events of our weekend at Occupy the New Hampshire Primary. We had made signs, chatted with Ron Paul supporters, and danced to the Leftist Marching Band outside the debates at Saint Anselm College (where they had us corralled like misbehaving farm animals – all of us together, Romney, Huntsman, and Paul supporters, along with some extremely in-your-face Gingrich nuts). The night before, I had shared a crash pad in a basement bedroom with the Occupy New Hampshire media guy, some dude from Mother Jones, and two female Occupiers, my buddies from Occupy Hartford. I’m 43, but felt twenty years younger. The one thing we hadn’t done yet was visit a public event where we might get a chance to pose a difficult question to a candidate.

When we found out that Newt Gingrich was going to be speaking at a Latino Town Hall event at Don Quijote restaurant, my friend Rachel and I decided to go. We grabbed signs and took off. We arrived at Don Quijote’s, a tiny dive with about five tables and a very confused waitress. Luckily Rachel speaks fluent Spanish, and was able to figure out that the Town Hall was being held at the much larger other Don Quijote’s restaurant down the street and around the corner.

When we arrived, there were few protesters there, and we were able to walk into the restaurant unimpeded. I tucked my sign under my arm, but didn’t bother to take off my “Occupy Hartford” pin, or a handmade “99%” tag that someone had handed me earlier that day. I didn’t feel the need to hide who I was or where I was from, as I wasn’t there to be disruptive, but instead, to question Gingrich on his thoughts about the Citizens United decision and how it affects American citizens. Rachel wanted to ask him about his (we suspected) nonexistent relationships with Latinos.

The restaurant was full, even perhaps over capacity. We squeezed into a spot against the wall where we could sort of see the stage (Rachel being ten inches taller than me afforded her a better view, I’m sure) and waited for Newt to make his appearance. Immediately one of Newt’s supporters, someone who was surely a frat guy ten years before, started heckling us about our signs, calling them garbage, and accusing us of littering after we put one of the signs against the wall. We gave back as good as we got, and though tensions were too high for it to be completely “good-natured,” I wasn’t too worried. I asked a guy standing next to me to help me hold the sign up against the wall, but out of the corner of his mouth, he told me he was trying to be incognito. His fur coat and pink scarf gave him away as a member of Occupy, and Rachel later said she remembered him from the Gay Pride march earlier that day. He loosened up a bit when we told him we weren’t there to be disruptive, and asked to borrow my phone to take pictures of the complete lack of Latinos at the Latino Town Hall. I handed over my phone, then turned to my friend Rachel, laughing about the irony of the sea of rich white guys at the – and suddenly, my sign was ripped out of my hands, hard. I whipped around to see a guy disappearing through the crowd, with a large part of my sign clutched in his hand.

At that moment, I could not piece together what had happened. I didn’t know who this man was, or why he would so violently rip my sign out of my possession without a word. So I followed him, calling after him in anger, fear and disbelief. I believe my initial words were, “Are you SERIOUS?” Followed by a whole lot of, “Why?” and “Who ARE you?” I pushed through the crowd, my eyes on my neon green sign. At that moment, getting my sign back was the most important thing I’d ever done – it felt as if he was walking away with my right to free speech, with my very dignity. I caught up with him and grabbed for my sign, somehow snatching it back, and he wheeled around to face me. I again asked him, “Why are you doing this?” And he, with what seemed like an intense amount of rage, grabbed my arm and shook me roughly, and then pushed me back into the crowd. “Because we don’t WANT you here. Get out!” And he stalked away. I barely registered the earpiece and blazer he was wearing.  Later I found out that Quinn Bowman of PBS News Hour came forward as a witness and his account corroborates my own. He tweeted from the event, “Man w earpiece at Gingrich event in Manchester struggles violently to get sign out of female occupier’s hands.” His comment to a Buzzfeed reporter later was, “He pushed and shoved her with considerable force, tried to take her sign and he seemed enraged that she was there.”

The chase and struggle had landed me at the front of the room, near the stage, in front of a sea of cameras. I turned with my sign, and beseeched everyone around me. “Did you see that? Did you see him assault me? He ripped my sign, and pushed me hard. I don’t understand what happened. Did you see that?” I believe all eyes were on the drama unfolding at the front of the room. I had begun to shake with the effects of being attacked completely without provocation. I continued to appeal to anyone who seemed like they were listening, and eventually a female officer asked me to step into the lounge area. I asked her if I would be able to come back into the room, and she was evasive in her answer. I told her I didn’t want to go, that I still had a question I wanted answered, but she was clear that it would not be a good idea for me to stay in the room. I finally followed her, because I needed to tell my story and I felt I needed her help. When we got out to the lounge, she said I would have to leave the building. I refused, saying I wouldn’t leave until the guy was questioned. She told me in a kind voice that Newt’s people wanted me gone, and that it was like being invited to a party, and then having the host ask me to leave. When I told her it was absolutely nothing like that, she then suggested I could be arrested for trespassing. Finally, a male police officer joined us, and I restated my position – I wanted this guy held accountable for what he had done. The male officer told me that he had gone into a “private meeting” that couldn’t be interrupted, and surely I could understand the delicacy of the, ahem, situation. Still, I stood my ground, saying, “He can assault me, and then because he’s in a private meeting, you’re not going to question him?” Finally they brought him out and asked me to ID him.

They led both of us outside and questioned each of us. They asked me to stay in the parking lot, but said I could demonstrate with the other protesters if I wished. Reporters surrounded me, asking for my story. After about five minutes, the male officer came back and told me I had two choices – to do nothing, or to press charges. What did I want to do? I thought for a minute, and then said I wanted an apology from my attacker. On camera. I gestured at the various reporters and cameramen milling around in the parking lot. The officer said they wouldn’t “make him jump through hoops,” so I thought for another moment, and said, “Fine. I want to press charges.” The officer said he would have to call a supervisor, and again for me to stay put. I told the Occupy group exactly what had happened, using the people’s mic, and then halfheartedly chanted with them until the officer returned with a case number and told me to call the police department the next day. I was completely shaken. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I waited for the rally to end. I was without my phone, so I couldn’t reach out to anyone who cared about me. While I was outside waiting, another protester walked by me holding his bleeding hand. He said he had been punched in the hand several times by a Newt staffer, but didn’t want to press charges.

When I called the Manchester police department on Monday to follow up, I was told that the case was not a criminal one, and that my name appeared nowhere in the notes, and therefore I was not privy to any information. I was incredulous, and told the officer on duty what had happened to me, and asked that a supervisor call me back. A few hours later, I got a return call, and was told that the case number had “changed,” and they did have my information, and asked if I wanted to press charges. I again said that I did. Tuesday morning I received a call from the detective assigned to investigating the case, once again asking if I was sure I wanted to press charges, because it involved a lot of paperwork (on his part) and possibly a trip back up to Manchester from Hartford (on mine). He said I needed to make a decision quickly due to the attention from the press. I agreed to think about it overnight, talked to an advisor, and then called Wednesday morning and for the third time, I reiterated that yes, I still wanted to press charges. The detective took more information from me, and told me that the staffer’s report differed from mine. I told him I was not surprised.

It’s Friday night, and I haven’t heard back from the detective yet. I finally went to the doctor Wednesday night due to back and shoulder pain that the doctor attributes to the assault. She said it’s similar to the injuries people sustain when they’re hit from behind in a car accident. It was the sudden shock of the attack that messed with my muscles.

With every day that goes by, I find myself getting more and more angry. Do we live in a world where it’s acceptable for people to just take what they want with force? To assault people because you don’t like what they stand for? If the detective decides to not pursue the charges, I can only imagine it’s for political reasons, and that will not be okay with me. I was in New Hampshire fighting for civil rights in sort of a general way, but to have my own violated so blatantly has made it intensely personal. As for my resolve to continue to protest the erosion of our civil rights as United States citizens? I’ll tell you this: It’s unshakable.

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Affirmations inspired by my upcoming 25th high school reunion.

First of all: 25 years? What the fuck.  How did that happen?  Etc, etc.

OK, temporarily got that out of my system.  Can’t talk about the reunion without throwing a fit about my mortality.

When I entered 7th grade at AJJHS in the fall of 1980, it was the 11th school I had walked into as “the new girl.”  My father was in the Air Force, and we got new orders to move every three years.  For reasons of their own which still remain a mystery, my parents moved at least yearly in between the major moves.  I went to kindergarten in Oklahoma; two schools for first grade, one in Arkansas and the other in Illinois; two different schools for second grade in England; I skipped third grade, and then spent fourth grade at yet a different school in England; went to part of fifth grade at a third school in England and part of it at Williams AFB in Arizona; part of sixth grade in Gilbert, Arizona and part of it in Chandler; and finally seventh grade at AJJHS in Arizona.  I think I repeated 7th grade because I had “social difficulties” (ya think??) but I can’t really be sure.  Oh, yeah, and then my parents moved once again during the first weeks of my senior year, and tried to make me go to high school in Mesa, Arizona, but I said, “Fuck this,” and dropped out and got my GED.

My initial memory of AJJHS:  Sitting alone on the pavement with my back against a wall, in the shade cast by some boys standing over me asking, “Are you Paula Cluck’s sister?”  Finding out later that poor Paula Cluck was the ugly one.  She looked 40, weighed about 200 pounds and had a pizza face. School pictures of me back then show an eager sweetness, and a remarkable lack of terror behind my eyes.  Always the optimist, always trying to fit in, and always falling a little short, which set me up for a lifetime of, how do you say…. “Issues.”

So, without further ado, here are some affirmations and instructions for both the younger me and the, um, “now” me (who has made the monumental decision to attend my very first reunion), based on my high school experiences, as remembered from the distance of 25 plus years.

To Young Me:  Stop trying to fit in.  There is a saying you’ll come across in later years, and it goes something like this.  Be yourself.  Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter won’t mind.  You won’t believe this for a moment because you’re a stubborn bitch of a teenager and your hormones are completely out of control, but I have to say it anyway.

To Now Me:  Stop trying to make your relationships work, “no matter what.” It’s not high school.  He is not the only boy around, and in fact, no boy has ever been the only boy – you just believed he was.  You have always been smart, funny, a little offbeat, and had a lot to offer.  Now that you’re 40-something, you’re actually allowing yourself to believe it and say it out loud.  Now the behavior needs to match.  You are no longer the new girl.  You don’t have to latch yourself on to whatever man will pay attention to you.  You never had to do that, but you thought you did.

To Young Me: It’s okay to be the mean girl every once in a while. Mean girls have more fun, and are invited to more parties, have cuter boyfriends, and have way cooler clothes.  You’re a good girl through and through, but it’s okay to tuck away the sincerity and openness and wear a shell.  It’s high school, for Christ’s sake.  Everyone wears a shell.  Oh yeah, and everyone wears a shell. Especially in high school. Remember that.

To Now Me: No more shell.  You are who you are now, and who you are is pretty bangin’.  No more faking it…in or out of bed.  Self-protection (in and out of bed, I’m sounding like a fortune cookie) is important, but fergodsake, enough with the pretending. It had its place, and its place is 1981.

To Young Me: Play sports.  You know you want to.  You’re watching your brothers out on the ball field and you’re just itching to get out there too, but you tell yourself – I can’t hit, I can’t throw.  Well find someone and ask them to teach you.  You are a hundred times more coordinated than you think you are, and you’ll eventually learn that.  And the bonus is, good friends, a healthier body, and some pride in your abilities.  You could use some of all of that.

To Now Me: You are absolutely fine, just the way you are. Do not try to lose a pound before you go to that reunion, missy.  If you lose some weight through eating healthier (and let’s be honest, Tostitos and a chocolate malt is not a proper lunch, hello!) and training for your next 5K, then great.  But you are SO OVER changing yourself to fit in with your high school classmates.  I sincerely doubt they would expect you to.

To Now Me: Rent that convertible. This reunion is YOUR time to laugh, dance, and mess up your hair.  Convertibles are great for the last part.

To Young Me: Just fucking ask him to dance already.

To Now Me: Just fucking ask him to dance already.

Stay tuned for more deep reunion-related thoughts…like, “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE I BOUGHT THE PLANE TICKET!” and “AM I GOING TO RECOGNIZE ANYONE?!”

Deep breaths.  Affirmations.  It’s all good.

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Greetings from Hotel California.

Wish you were here, so I wasn’t here by myself.

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave...

Yes, indeedy, it is that creepy.

I feel kinda bad, like I’m throwing Chip the nice, hardworking homeowner under the bus, but if you’re going to have a 24-room Victorian haunted house-slash-carpet warehouse, then people are going to blog about ya.  Just sayin’.  One of the weirdest things about the house (and that is really saying a lot) is that it is surrounded by (nestled in, really) a neighborhood of nefarious characters.  Read: Hoochie mamas, crack dealers, and all manner of folks who have just given a big middle finger to lawful ways to make money and raise children.  There was some amount of, shall we say, inaccuracy, in the online description.  And clearly the several dozen reviewers who waxed lyrical about the place were the type of people who would sit around the dining room table (see above for visual) singing Day O, otherwise known as “That Banana Song.”

Here are some other weird things about the house.

Hail Mary, full of grace.

Mother Mary’s gonna watch me take a shower, y’all.  She does seem to averting her eyes, which is a good thing, given the 20 pounds I’ve gained over the past year.

Gigantic copper bathing apparatus.

OK, this isn’t technically “weird,” it’s kinda cool.  Except it, very literally, is as deep as my waist when I stand next to it.  Clambering into that thing is going to be athletic tomorrow morning.  Also, you could drown a lot of people simultaneously in that thing.  Hm. That’s not a normal thing to think.  I do believe this place may be rubbing off on me.

Mexican bathroom in the Victorian house in the 'hood.

Again, more “cool” than “weird.”  However, who do the toothbrushes belong to, for the love of God?  And Cetaphil?  Seems a little…clinical.  For dry, sensitive skin.  Because all that drownin’ is gonna chap those hands and forearms.  And biceps.  That tub is DEEP.

The guest accommodations.

Where I’ll be sleeping with one eye open tonight.  The weird thing about this room is that somehow Chip has exercised restraint.  Well, that and the walls are puffy.  Like wall-sized marshmallow panels.

Stay tuned, and if you don’t hear from me on a regular basis over the next couple of days, I implore you, come find me.  I’ll be drinking pink champagne on ice…

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